Mic 37: Bombing

Venue: One Star 

Hosts: Bill Squire Jimmy Killius

Shows: Fight for Your Right 

Set Time:  3

Bombed.

One laugh.

It was honestly more of a chuckle and this was the first time I went "wow" nothing is working. This was to be a formidable attempt at self deprecating humor and it turned into deafening silence. 

I don't speak at all about things that go on in a bathroom.

At all.

Recently my husband had surgery and things stopped moving along. SO discussion ha to be had and I was worthless. 

Here is the thing, 32 years of being married and no one does their business in front of someone else.  

No one. 

Just keeping the mystery alive. 

Our house has several bathrooms and all bathrooms have doors. 

I see no reason to share the details of the business that goes on in there.

Business. 

That is what people call it.

My load, people read the paper in there back in the day. 

And you certainly didn't talk about your business. 

It was noones business. 

In fact people had the good sense to mind their own business. 

But there is no filter in this generation.  Modesty is a lost art. 

In order to mix in with society I have created a code to discuss matters of the water closet. 

I refer to my digestive tract as the train.

It moves through the stations, boards and unloads, It departs, speeds up, slows down and sometimes it stops. 

Well not too long ago my train slowed down and almost derailed and I had to go to the ER.

Walk through this with me.  

I had to tell my husband that “things were not right.’ 

That is the universal code for a GI issue in our house. 

Then I had to make a case to go to the ER without conveying too much information. 

“The train has been off schedule for a bit and I am worried.”

Now we arrive at the ER and I have to tell the women at the desk that I have pain and GI concern. But I do this while my husband is parking the car so I didn’t have to speak the words in front of him.

Now I am being seen by doctors and nurses and since I don't speak of these things in front of my husband every time the doctor wanted to talk about something specific I asked my husband to leave the room.

After the third time, the nurse took a seat next to me on the bed. 

She took my hand and the doctor leaned in as if he was about to give me life changing information and asked,

Are you really safe at home? 

Dear God.

Yes.

I am a prude not a victim.

What were they thinking about Scott?

Did they look to see if he had a record?

This dear sweet man that is my husband - was being profiled because I find it disgusting to discuss these things in front of him. 

How is it that other people speak of these things so freely. I kept thinking is there no modesty left in the world.

I found it funny that I have been dealing with a train that has never run correctly for most of my adult life. However my husband is evidently Swiss and his runs on time.

He has a small delay and we have to have a union meeting, call in the maintenance crew, file a grievance. 

He missed one scheduled stop and we have to fire a conductor.

Here is the thing — this is funny material — I just can't tell it. I can't talk about it without getting weird and uncomfortable and so I literally can't do it into a mic. I am filterless and yet here I am — censoring myself.

I used to teach people how to speak with confidence and authority to a room and I can’t get the word diarrhea out of my mouth. 

So I bombed.

I spent most of my time telling people what to do.

I spend all day soliciting buy and  and I get a lot of approval.

So the angst that should have accompanied this situation was rerouted by an epiphany.

I stood there admiring the failure.

Almost diagnosing it, as I was finishing the set. That out-of-body experience when you're like, omg, this is what this feels like. I was so interested in the epiphany, I no longer cared about the set.

As I exited the stage, the host, Jimmy, tried to help. 

It was a combination of sympathy and surprise shielded in his inability to make eye contact. 

“Missy, everyone poops.”

Snap, back to reality and I am blushing. 

Regarding the business of this set - if I can't talk about it - I can't joke about it.