My husband sleeps 13" from the side of the bed. I know because I measured it with a yardstick while he was sleeping. A queen bed is 18" narrower than a king. Do the math — he feels romantic, he can knock me off the bed. We have a twin, a queen and a king in the house. So we've been sleeping around — like Goldilocks, if Goldilocks had a yardstick and trust issues.

I start by casually mentioning that I've been watching a new reality show. I pause, pacing like I'm trying to remember the name.

Iran War.

The room was fairly empty when I went up. I bet ten people walked out just as I was welcomed to the stage. No, seriously, they opened the door in this tiny teacup of a room and fricking walked out when my name was called. Tell me how you don’t take that personally?