Mic 23 & 24 UNPREPARED
My husband sleeps 13" from the side of the bed. I know because I measured it with a yardstick while he was sleeping. A queen bed is 18" narrower than a king. Do the math — he feels romantic, he can knock me off the bed. We have a twin, a queen and a king in the house. So we've been sleeping around — like Goldilocks, if Goldilocks had a yardstick and trust issues.
Mic 21 Short Form
I start by casually mentioning that I've been watching a new reality show. I pause, pacing like I'm trying to remember the name.
Iran War.
MIc 20 Family Time-ing
We raised two beautiful daughters. It was a good day at the Hayes house if nobody ended up on the pipe or the pole.
Mic 19 Monday in the News
The other thing about current events — people have opinions. Strong ones. And the internet didn't just give them a platform, it gave their inside voice a megaphone.
Mic 16-18 Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy
I was delighted to co-host with Jimmy in the big room at One Star.
Mic 14, and 15 Monday Nights
The 5 O'Clock has an energetic crowd, and when I mentioned Lucy's eyeballs, I was stopped with a loud "WHAAAT THA?" I then had to explain how she was martyred and had her eyeballs plucked out, which is why she is often depicted holding them on a plate. Yes, I understand how weird this sounds. Yes, these are my people.
Mic 12 Dead Dog Therapy
I'm a white suburban woman, so of course I rescued a pitbull-boxer mix and gentrified her.
I named her Mabel, bought her a sweater, and planted artisanal grass in the backyard.
Mic 5, 6 and 8: How I got to Hot Nuts
I spent two years not making eye contact with the only engineers who actually make eye contact. I’m a Catholic girl. I had to go to confession after my first lubrication conference.
Mic 9, 10, 11 Venues
Another comic, also smoking, told us this room used to be packed with comedians who came in from all over. This room was a rite of passage. "Don't judge it by tonight," he said. "Just remember you did a few minutes here—and come back."

