My husband sleeps 13" from the side of the bed. I know because I measured it with a yardstick while he was sleeping. A queen bed is 18" narrower than a king. Do the math — he feels romantic, he can knock me off the bed. We have a twin, a queen and a king in the house. So we've been sleeping around — like Goldilocks, if Goldilocks had a yardstick and trust issues.

I start by casually mentioning that I've been watching a new reality show. I pause, pacing like I'm trying to remember the name.

Iran War.

We raised two beautiful daughters. It was a good day at the Hayes house if nobody ended up on the pipe or the pole.

The other thing about current events — people have opinions. Strong ones. And the internet didn't just give them a platform, it gave their inside voice a megaphone.

I was delighted to co-host with Jimmy in the big room at One Star.

The 5 O'Clock has an energetic crowd, and when I mentioned Lucy's eyeballs, I was stopped with a loud "WHAAAT THA?" I then had to explain how she was martyred and had her eyeballs plucked out, which is why she is often depicted holding them on a plate. Yes, I understand how weird this sounds. Yes, these are my people.

I'm a white suburban woman, so of course I rescued a pitbull-boxer mix and gentrified her.

I named her Mabel, bought her a sweater, and planted artisanal grass in the backyard.

I spent two years not making eye contact with the only engineers who actually make eye contact. I’m a Catholic girl. I had to go to confession after my first lubrication conference.

Another comic, also smoking, told us this room used to be packed with comedians who came in from all over. This room was a rite of passage. "Don't judge it by tonight," he said. "Just remember you did a few minutes here—and come back."

We were assigned a five-minute set we would be working on for the next couple of weeks and then performing at a graduation show. Bill suggested thinking of a funny story or situation that could inspire a set. I immediately thought of my snappy crotch.