Mic 23 & 24 UNPREPARED
What Happens When You Walk Up With Nothing and Trust the Room
My husband sleeps 13" from the side of the bed. I know because I measured it with a yardstick while he was sleeping. A queen bed is 18" narrower than a king. Do the math — he feels romantic, he can knock me off the bed. We have a twin, a queen and a king in the house. So we've been sleeping around — like Goldilocks, if Goldilocks had a yardstick and trust issues.
Mic 22 Friend of My Mom
Being Treated Like a Strip Club Acquaintance of Bryan's Mother Has Its Advantages
Bryan consistently greets me like a friend of his mom's he ran into at a strip club.
Mic 21 Short Form
One Minute. One Idea. Nowhere to Hide.
I start by casually mentioning that I've been watching a new reality show. I pause, pacing like I'm trying to remember the name.
Iran War.
MIc 20 Family Time-ing
When Your Family Material Writes Itself (Whether You Want It To or Not)
We raised two beautiful daughters. It was a good day at the Hayes house if nobody ended up on the pipe or the pole.
Mic 19 Monday in the News
Why Current Events Comedy Is Brave, Stupid, and Completely Irresistible
The other thing about current events — people have opinions. Strong ones. And the internet didn't just give them a platform, it gave their inside voice a megaphone.
Mic 16-18 Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy
What Happens When You Co-Host a Room Before You've Earned It
I was delighted to co-host with Jimmy in the big room at One Star.
Mic 14, and 15 Monday Nights
The Particular Discipline of Showing Up When No One Is Watching
The 5 O'Clock has an energetic crowd, and when I mentioned Lucy's eyeballs, I was stopped with a loud "WHAAAT THA?" I then had to explain how she was martyred and had her eyeballs plucked out, which is why she is often depicted holding them on a plate. Yes, I understand how weird this sounds. Yes, these are my people.
Mic 7, 12, 13 I Just Have to do One More
On Matriarchs, Succession Planning, and Why I Keep Going Back
At first I got a lot of, “You going up?” and I said yes, and they would smile. Comedy people ask, “You going up?” the way Marines ask if you’re storming the beach. I am feeling a little more a part of the scene.
Mic 12 Dead Dog Therapy
I Rescued a Pitbull, Gentrified Her, and Somehow Made It a Bit
I'm a white suburban woman, so of course I rescued a pitbull-boxer mix and gentrified her.
I named her Mabel, bought her a sweater, and planted artisanal grass in the backyard.
Mic 5, 6 and 8: How I got to Hot Nuts
The Long, Winding, Completely Unnecessary Road to a Punchline
I spent two years not making eye contact with the only engineers who actually make eye contact. I’m a Catholic girl. I had to go to confession after my first lubrication conference.
Mic 9, 10, 11 Venues
The Long, Winding, Completely Unnecessary Road to a Punchline
Another comic, also smoking, told us this room used to be packed with comedians who came in from all over. This room was a rite of passage. "Don't judge it by tonight," he said. "Just remember you did a few minutes here—and come back."
Mic 3 & 4 Foot in the Door or in my Mouth.
When Ten People Walk Out Right as Your Name Gets Called
The room was fairly empty when I went up. I bet ten people walked out just as I was welcomed to the stage. No, seriously, they opened the door in this tiny teacup of a room and fricking walked out when my name was called. Tell me how you don’t take that personally?
Mic 2
Walking Into a Room Where Everyone Already Knows Each Other (Except You)
Other comedians from my class had goaded me into coming. They had been before and seemed to know people, too. I can honestly say I have never felt like an outsider anywhere, anytime, in my whole life. There were cliques here. I spotted them immediately. And I was not part of any of them. I have never not been part of them.
Mic 1
What I Was Thinking About When I Signed Up for Stand-Up Comedy at 57
We were assigned a five-minute set we would be working on for the next couple of weeks and then performing at a graduation show. Bill suggested thinking of a funny story or situation that could inspire a set. I immediately thought of my snappy crotch.